


Darling Don't Be Afraid

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cuddling, Fluff, M/M, Schmoop, s9 au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 08:58:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8243708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: Castiel's loved Sam for years.  He's never felt that he could act on it.  Not until Dean leaves, and Sam's left believing himself alone.  Castiel proves to Sam that he's not alone, and things develop from there.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for SPN Song Creations Challenge.
> 
> Round 5: Ships
> 
> Playlist 02 - How Can I Love When I’m Afraid To Fall?  
> (01. A Thousand Years - Christina Perri // 02. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie // 03. Make You Feel My Love - Adele // 04. All I Want - Kodaline // 05. Can’t Help Falling In Love - Haley Reinhart // 06. Better Together - Jack Johnson // 07. Hurts Like Hell - Fleurie // 08. You and I - Ingrid Michaelson // 09. Sweet Pea - Amos Lee // 10. I Won’t Give Up - Christina Grimme)

_1\. Heart beats fast / Colors and promises / How to be brave? / How can I love when I'm afraid to fall? / But watching you stand alone / All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_

In Heaven, they said he’d been lost when he laid hands on Dean in Hell. There was truth to that. In Castiel’s opinion, though, he had been lost when he took Sam’s hand in a hotel room. He’d been given a sign from God. He felt the jolt, and later, when he could look properly, he could see the changes in his wings. But he’d let Uriel talk him down, accepted the explanation of his superiors that it was a trick, that once Lilith was defeated and Sam either killed or forced to go back into cover as Dean’s loyal little brother, the green and purple swirls across the black feathers would fade away as well.

During the Apocalypse, Castiel wanted so badly to talk to Sam. Maybe he should have. But he never could quite seem to find the right time. He’d tried, once, after bringing Sam back from Hell. At the time, he’d been puzzled by Sam’s coldness, his clear dismissal of the attempt Castiel made to renew their friendship. In retrospect, it should have been his first clue that he’d left the most important part of Sam in Hell.

After breaking Sam’s wall, Castiel had decided that was it. There was no way he could ever claim he loved Sam. Sam had forgiven him, yes. Sam forgave everyone. But Sam didn’t know the full extent of the betrayal.

But standing here in the dark, watching Sam deliberately not watch Dean walking away, Cas wasn’t so sure. He couldn’t blame Sam for telling Dean to go. He couldn’t blame Sam for the anger and the hurt after what Dean had done and his complete lack of remorse or understanding. Cas thought he deserved more blame than Sam seemed willing to give him, but perhaps that was just Sam being practical. He wasn’t fully healed. He needed Cas.

Now wasn’t the time. But Sam deserved to know he was loved.

_2\. The time for sleep is now / it's nothing to cry about / Because we'll hold each other soon / the blackest of rooms_

Sam wasn’t one of those guys who thought tears were a sign of weakness. He didn’t cry easily, but he didn’t hold back when he was upset enough. Sam crying wasn’t a surprise.

Sam curled up in bed crying too hard to even notice Castiel standing in his doorway? That was.

He had no idea what he was going to do when he stepped into Sam’s room. He’d never seen either Winchester like this, so he had nothing to go by for how to help. Cas sank carefully to sit on the edge of Sam’s bed, trying not to startle his already distraught friend. He reached out, hesitating a moment before putting a hand on Sam’s shoulder.

Sam rolled toward Cas, reaching out to clutch at Cas’s coat like a lifeline. After a few minutes, the sobs subsided, and Sam forced a quick smile for Cas. “Thanks.”

“Of course. I’m here if you need anything, Sam. Just tell me what I can do to help you.”

“For now, anyway.” Sam wiped the tears from his face. “I’m going to miss you once you’ve fixed me up.”

“Unless you tell me to go, I don’t intend to leave you. I’m far more worried about you being on your own than I am about Dean.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you will. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t stay.”

Cas could feel the surprise in the way Sam’s hand closed tighter in his coat, the way he moved to sit up but changed his mind at the last moment. “Cas, I know you probably have way better things to do, but… can you stay here? In here, just for the night? The silence is a little too loud for me right now.”

“Gladly. Resting is a good idea for me anyway, the longer I rest the longer my borrowed grace will last. And it’s good to remain in the habit, for when it’s gone and I’m human again.” Castiel stroked Sam’s hair and guided him to a more comfortable position, one that wouldn’t leave Sam stiff and sore in the morning, but still curled up to him. “Go to sleep. I’ll be here through the darkness.”

_3\. There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do / to make you feel my love_

Sam had been much better in the morning. At least, he pretended he was. But Cas knew better when Sam tried to get Castiel to kill him if that’s what it took to track down Gadreel. Castiel refused. He was furious at Gadreel for tricking Sam, using Dean, joining with Metatron and repaying the Winchesters who gave him shelter by killing their friend. He’d sacrificed Sam once before, and it wasn’t long before he regretted it and went to undo it. It had caused a great deal of mischief. Sacrificing Sam again wasn’t an option. There was nothing worth losing Sam.

Sam didn’t see it that way, naturally. But while Sam was willing to die, Castiel was not willing to kill him, and Sam, eventually, accepted that. And when Sam hugged him, and gently teased Cas to hug back, Castiel thought it might be time.

“Cas?” Sam turned around as he headed out. “It’s been a long day, and I’m feeling a lot better, but I’m still exhausted. Do you… would you wanna come sleep with me again?” Sam’s eyes widened. “I mean, like last night, just being there, not… sorry, bad choice of words. I didn’t… forget I said anything. I’m gonna go to bed. Good night.”

“Sam.” Sam turned back, still not quite meeting Cas’s eyes, but listening. “If I ignore the awkward wording, could I still accept your intended offer?”

“Uh, yeah, if you want to. Sure. I’m really sorry about….”

“You have no need to apologize. I knew what you meant, and would not have taken offense if you had actually intended it the way it sounded.”

“Huh. Okay.” Sam led the way, and when he was ready to sleep, he curled up against Castiel again. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Castiel wrapped an arm around Sam’s back, and Sam’s breathing evened out quickly as he dropped off to sleep. Castiel would do anything to make Sam feel loved, and spending the night watching over his friend was hardly an onerous task. 

_4\. So you brought out the best of me / a part of me I've never seen / you took my soul and wiped it clean_

It was never supposed to go this far. It was supposed to be one night. Somehow that had become two, three, a week. Sam was going a little crazy, missing Dean, itching to hunt but not being able to do it on his own. Cas was always there at night, though. During the day, he was busy dealing with the angels and their problems, but he never failed to make it back to Sam before he went to bed.

“Sam? Go to sleep.” Castiel ran his fingers through Sam’s hair, a comfortable gesture that Sam had almost never failed to respond to by relaxing.

Tonight seemed to be an exception. “I’d love to, but my brain just won’t shut off.”

Castiel chuckled softly. “I understand. There are times when I’m trying to meditate and I just cannot stop thinking about other things. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing in particular. Just thinking about things. Grateful you’re around for me right now. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me.” Sam pushed himself up to where he could see Cas’s face. “Cas, you’re really good to me. And good for me. I don’t know how you do it, but you always bring out the best in me. I’ve always felt like I was unclean, wrong, even before I knew about the demon blood.”

“You’ve never been unclean, Sam.”

“I have. With Ruby, I was unclean. But I think maybe I’ve cleaned myself up, at least a little. And you’re responsible for a lot of that. You don’t give up on me, you help me do what I need to do. You saved my life so many times over.”

“You do the same for me, Sam. When I was human, trying to find my way, I often found myself asking myself what you would do when faced with indecision. It helped a great deal.” Castiel stroked Sam’s hair again. “Sleep, Sam.” Sam settled back down against Castiel’s chest, listening to Castiel hum quietly. Metallica, “Enter Sandman”. Sam smiled into Castiel’s shirt.

He’d never meant for this to go this far. But all he wanted was for Castiel to be here with him every night.

_5\. Shall I stay / would it be a sin / if I can't help falling in love with you?_  
_Take my hand / take my whole life too / for I can't help falling in love with you_

“Castiel? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” Castiel set aside the book he was reading. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was researching this thing I’m supposed to meet up with Dean to hunt, and I came across legends of Nephilim. Were they real?”

Castiel sighed. “Yes. They were. That was the purpose of the Flood, you know. The Nephilim were too powerful and out of control. They had to be destroyed. Whatever you’re hunting, it’s not a Nephilim.”

“I kinda figured that. But I got curious… I mean, I know angels have all different opinions of humans, but…”

“Most Nephilim were the products of… less than ideal circumstances. Even those who meant well to begin with often took advantage of easily-awed people rather than truly establishing an equal relationship. There were exceptions, though. Nephilim born to angels and humans who truly loved each other.”

“So it’s not a sin to love an angel?”

“No, of course not. Of course, if you produce a Nephilim, it would have to be killed, but loving an angel, even sexually, there’s not a problem with it.” Castiel caught Sam’s eyes. “Is there a reason you’re asking?”

“Cas, I… if this hunt goes well, then I’m going to ask Dean to come home. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave, or change anything between us. Things have changed since it’s been just you and me here, and I think you’ve noticed that, and I don’t want that to end.”

“Take my hand.” Sam took the hand Castiel held out, and gasped in shock as Castiel’s wings rippled out behind him. They were beautiful – a soft, gleaming black, streaked with purple and green swirls like the northern lights Sam had seen once on a hunt in Alaska. “I can’t help falling in love with you, Sam. That won’t change just because Dean comes home.”

“Good.” Then Sam’s brain caught up. “Wait, what? You’re falling in love with me?”

“No. I already fell in love with you. A long time ago. But now I think I may not be the only one.”

“You’re not.”

“Good.” Cas stepped closer, reaching out to hug Sam.

_6\. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart / "Why are we here?" and "Where do we go?" / And "How come we're so hard?" / It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving / I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together_

Cas didn’t go on the hunt with Sam, busy with the angel drama, and Sam was so busy with the hunt and with Dean drama that he didn’t really miss Cas except at night. He and Dean were sharing a motel room, it was cheaper that way, but sleeping in his bed alone didn’t really feel right anymore. Of course, he couldn’t tell Dean.

The hunt went well, and Dean accepted Sam’s invitation to come home – although Sam did clarify that he didn’t mean they were brothers again. They would hunt together, the bunker was big enough for them both, but they weren’t going to be what they were. He knew Dean would never admit what he did was wrong, but he still held out hope that Dean would at least acknowledge why Sam thought it was.

He hadn’t thought ahead to telling Dean about him and Castiel, though. He had no idea how to broach the subject, and he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to. It’s not that he was worried about Dean being homophobic or a jerk to them or anything. Honestly, even if he and Dean were what they had been before the demon blood and Ruby and Amy and Benny and Gadreel, Sam didn’t really care what Dean thought of his relationships.

He didn’t have much time to plan a strategy, either. Dean got to the Bunker first, parking the Impala where she belonged. Sam parked the car he’d been using, and went into the Bunker. Cas was there, in the library, and came to greet him with a hug. “I take it things went well.”

“Yeah, we got the bad guy and saved a bunch of people. How are things going with the angels?”

“Not well. My brothers and sisters are a bunch of stubborn people. I’ve found a group who’s willing to work with me, though. Led by one named Hannah who I remember as one of my strongest supporters during the civil war I led. She’s putting together an alliance to fight against our true enemy: Metatron.”

“Good to hear. How are you feeling? Grace holding up okay?”

“I’m exhausted. Looking forward to getting some rest. Maybe even sleep. But I’m fine.”

Sam chuckled. “No you’re not. But sleep sounds really good right now. Did you take any time out while I was gone?”

“No. I tried, but I spent the whole time missing you instead of getting any benefit from it, so I gave up after only a couple of hours. It’s better when we’re together.”

“Yeah.” Sam reached out and took Cas’s face between his hands. “I missed you so much when I was trying to get to sleep.”

Dean looked between the two. “You two are sleeping together?”

“Only in the literal sense,” Sam said. “For now, anyway.” He didn’t miss the way Cas’s eyes lit up and was glad he’d added the last part.

_7\. Dreams fight with machines / inside my dreams like adversaries / Come wrestle me free / clean from the war / Your heart fits like a key / into the lock on the wall_

The war was taking a toll on Castiel. He’d been exhausted enough to sleep. Even human, he’d never learned to like sleeping, the dreams terrifying him long after he’d adjusted to having to eat and urinate. As an angel, he wasn’t supposed to be dealing with dreams, but here he was.

In his dream, the angels turned against him. They didn’t go after him, though. They went after Sam and Dean. They took away the brightest spot in Cas’s life, the reason he kept holding on, kept fighting. It was so believable, too. Reminding Sam and Dean of everything Castiel had ever done to them, turning against them over and over, hurting them both badly.

When he woke up with a gasp, though, Sam was right there. Sam was awake, looking at him with sympathy and concern in those soft, complicated eyes that Castiel found so easy to get lost in. “Want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“The nightmare. Sometimes it can help to talk about it. And sometimes it’s clowns and no amount of talking is going to help.” Sam gave Cas a smile. “If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine.”

“Did I wake you?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry about it. I’d rather be awake and helpful than sleeping through you suffering. Besides, we both know the only reason I’ve never woken you up with my nightmares is that you’re not usually asleep when I wake up screaming.”

Fair enough. Castiel reached out, tangling his fingers in Sam’s hair. “I was dreaming of the worst thing I can ever imagine. You realizing that after everything, I don’t deserve any of this, and driving me away.”

Sam’s arms tightened around him. “That’s never happening.”

“I’ve loved you for so long. Losing you… it hurt like Hell. Literally. We’ve both been there, we know what Hell feels like, and that’s how it felt, being forced to leave you.”

“It’s not happening. I love you, Cas. I’m not going anywhere, and you aren’t either.” Sam reached up to Cas’s face. “Hey, I didn’t really mean anything by it earlier, talking to Dean, but you seemed to like the idea of making this sexual. Did you?”

“Yes, if you’re interested. But not as a response to a nightmare about losing you.”

Sam laughed gently. “Fair enough.”

_8\. I will help you read those books / If you will soothe my worried looks / and we will put the lonesome on the shelf_

Cas was still shaken in the morning, and it wasn’t hard for Sam to convince him to take the day off and hang out at the Bunker. He ended up spending most of the day hanging out with Dean, helping Dean clean the Impala, bake a pie, and do some research on the Mark of Cain. He was furious when he learned what Crowley had convinced Dean to do, but there didn’t seem to be anything to do but try to manage the problem. Castiel had seen what the Mark did to Lucifer, but perhaps there was hope that Dean would avoid that corruption somehow.

Sam joined the research, and having the two Winchesters in the same room was less awkward than Castiel had feared. There was no sniping, and Sam was actually smiling every time he looked over to Cas. Dean noticed, too. “So you two… what exactly’s going on there?”

“We love each other.” Cas met Dean’s eyes. “Dean, I love your brother with everything I have. He’s been very good to me, and I’m doing everything I can to be good for him.”

“Whoa, Cas. No need to justify yourself or anything like that. If he’s happy with how you treat him, that’s all I need to know. You hurt him, we’ll have problems, but I was just asking because you guys left me a little confused last night is all.”

“Oh.” Castiel looked to Sam.

Sam shrugged. “We’re in love, Cas is my boyfriend, I’m his, don’t be an ass about it and that’s all you need to know.”

“Sam…” Sam raised an eyebrow at Dean and Dean held up his hands. “Fine. I didn’t particularly want details anyway. I’m just happy to know you’re not alone.”

“I’m less lonely now than I have been in a very long time,” Castiel admitted. “Since leaving Heaven, the first time.”

_9\. Sweet pea, keeper of my soul / I know sometimes I'm out of control / You're the only reason I keep on coming home_

The hunt had been rough, and both Dean and Sam were exhausted as Dean drove them home. “Hang on, Sammy. You’re gonna be okay, we just gotta get you to Cas.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “You’re exhausted, Dean. Get a motel. I’m in pain, not dying, I’ll live if you pull over so you don’t crash.”

“I got this. It’s only another hour, I can sleep in the car when we get there. You know my baby will take care of me. Just gotta get you home so your baby can do the same for you.”

“Okay, one, that’s just weird.” Sam made a face at Dean’s metaphor. He knew Dean loved the car more than was entirely healthy, but to hear it directly compared to his relationship with Cas just felt wrong. “Two, I don’t want Cas burning out his grace just to spare me some pain. So don’t go making him feel bad about the fact that I’ll be hurting the next few days.”

“Whatever. Anyway, the point remains, I’m driving so I decide when we stop. We’re stopping when we get home.” Dean sped up, though.

Cas wasn’t there when they got home. Sam stuck his tongue out at Dean and went to bed, reaching for Cas’s pillow to hold while he tried to find a comfortable position. He rolled his eyes when the door banged open. “I’m fine, Dean.”

“You’re lying.” The rough voice wasn’t Dean’s, and Sam sat up to find himself engulfed in Cas’s arms and wings. “My sweet Sam. Dean said you were badly hurt. I know you don’t want me to heal you…”

“Cas!” Sam snuggled in. “I love you. I don’t want you to worry about me. I wasn’t planning on lying to you, though.”

“Let me worry about my grace, Sam.” Castiel’s wings closed in tighter, cocooning Sam in feathers. “You’re hurting.”

“I can deal with pain, Cas. If I were in danger, or heading for another hunt, or planning on doing something other than sleeping in my own bed with your arms around me, I’d let you heal me. But this is helping me, just having you here like this. I don’t need healing. I need you.”

Castiel nodded. “I just worry sometimes… when the grace runs out, when I’m human again, will I still be able to help you? Will you still want me around?”

Sam hauled Castiel in for a kiss. “Of course I will. I’ll miss your wings, but there are a lot of things more important than that. You’re not useless just because you don’t have your grace, Cas.”

“When I’m with you, here, like this? I can believe it.” Castiel pushed Sam back onto the bed and moved his pillow out of the way. He climbed on top of Sam, laying over him easily.

_10\. I won't give up on us / God knows I'm tough enough / We've got a lot to learn / God knows we're worth it_

Heaven was reclaimed. Dean still had the Mark, but it wasn’t in control of him yet. Back in Heaven, the angels Castiel had helped were able to dig around and find possible solutions. The Mark was a curse, like any other, and there were spells and talismans and sigils that could help ward off the effects while they found a way to break it. Dean nearly dying had caused Sam to not only realize he’d forgiven Dean, but to be able to admit that to Dean as well.

They’d also been able to hunt down what was left of Cas’s grace, and with donations from Hannah and a few others, Castiel was full strength again.

Now Sam and Cas were lying on the roof of the bunker, looking up at the stars. “Cas? Why are you still here?”

Castiel looked over to Sam. “Where else would I be?”

“Heaven. With Hannah in charge, you’re welcome back there, I know you are. So…”

Castiel shook his head. “All we’ve been through, and you don’t know the answer to that question? I’m here because you and Dean, you’re my family as much as the angels are. I’m here because this bunker is more home to me than Heaven is right now. I’m here because I love you.”

“I thought that might be it.” Sam reached out to Cas. “I don’t wanna hold you here if you have stuff to do in Heaven, you know. But I’m glad you’re here.”

“I assume things will work like they have been. You’ll hunt with Dean, I’ll run errands and messages and the like for Heaven, but we’ll always come back here, to each other. Until you and Dean come to me in Heaven.”

“Good.” Sam reached out to pull Cas into him. “Do angels ever do any kind of bonding ritual? Like…”

“Like marriage? Yes. We do.” Castiel pulled away to let his wings spread out. “Before we mate, our wings are a single, solid color. When we find the one we’re made for, the one God means for us to be mated with, they change, becoming a reflection of our mate. This happened the day I took your hand.”

“Really? And you only got around to doing something about it this year?” Sam reached out, tangling a hand in the feathers. “Not that I’d have believed you during the Apocalypse, but…”

“You didn’t believe me when you were soulless, although I tried to tell you. And then… after breaking your wall…” Castiel shrugged. “I didn’t think I deserved any happiness from you, even if you would give it.”

“So how do we mate?” Sam paused. “Okay, that wasn’t what I meant, I know how to mate that way, but you know what I meant.”

“Actually, it’s pretty much the same. That’s one way, anyway. The other main way…” Castiel laughed. “Technically, we’ve done. You’ve groomed my wings, I’ve touched your soul… it only counts if we say it does, but we’ve done the hard part. If you want to hold me to it so I don’t have to stick my hand in your chest again, I’m more than willing to go along with it.”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to do the other way, too, just to be sure. No such thing as being too secure in a bond.”

“There is that. Although I am secure, even if we don’t make it a formal bond. I’m never giving up on you, Sam. And I know you won’t give up on me, either.”

“Never.” Sam took Castiel’s hand and headed inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments get cuddles and fluffy blankets.


End file.
